thanks for the memories
Upon reading your blog post(yes as a matter of fact i do read it once in a while), i find it hard not to write in response to your writing. First of all, i am glad that you are able to take it easy and be able to move on, that is a good thing i suppose because i wish for the best for you as well when i decided that it is time to break up. i would admit that "incapable, stupid, useless, fuck off" were words of anger and that they are definitely not a good choice of vocab to describe you as a whole for the past 13 months. I have already apologised for harsh words, and i hope you wont take it to heart, even though i know it might have hurt you, i'm sorry. The fact is, you have been making a number of mistakes from the time we got together until the time we've broken up, and the last one you made simply fucked me up with my mom. Sometimes, when the damage is already done it is hard to undo.
i did not change as a person, i am still me, be it in 2007 2008 2005 2006... what changed was merely my perception of you. along with this change of perception came the change of feelings towards you. and what caused this perception to change were things that you did. You know very well that i hate people to lie to me, you know very well that i dont like people to intentionally keep things from me, and you know very well that what i hate most is the person closest to me to do those things. when you make a mistake, it does not mean that you will be forgiven simply because you are trying your best to make up for it. sometimes your best is just not enough, and no dont get me wrong, it is not that i do not want to forgive you, but rather simply put, sometimes scars of the past remains in my heart and what you did remains there. i tried to forgive, but it is hard to forget. How many chances have i given you to prove yourself worthy? How many chances have i given you to make up for your mistakes? HOW many times have you screwed up those chances by making another mistake of the same kind?
Yes my expectations can be high at times, but what wrong has these high expectation done to you? You know it yourself that you are a better person now than who you were before. Would it be possible without me? yeah maybe... 20 years later? i have always been there for you. But what i wanted was for you to be able to stand on your own without being dependent on anybody, not even me. I wanted you to be strong. But I was there for you when you needed me, when your parents quarreled, when you wanted to walk out of the house, you knew that i was always there for you. but what stopped you from being able to come up to me was simply the self inferiority and the guilt that you have created for yourself from the mistakes you've made.
you were never the causes of my problems and i have almost never asked to you to solve my problems for me. what i wanted from you was simply for you to fix yourself up. i told you before what your friends thought of you, how you carried yourself to others, how you hold up to your promises and words, about your own responsibility. If you have yet to realise, ever since the first time i've gotten angry with you and scolded you, it were always about these issues. You did not cause me any of my problems, but i made you my problem because i love you. It would be absolutely unnecessary for me to get pissed off if i didnt give a shit about you, wouldnt it? You asked me to think about how i have been treating you, how about you answer it yourself from the bottom of your heart whether i have been treating you well, or not. whether all the things i've done, all the times i've scolded you, were for your own good? or was it just to hurt you and make you upset for no reason? If you knew what you are doing and you have had my trust from the beginning, you never had to obey me. You do realise that you never had to obey me when we first started? you think i started making you to obey me because i've changed. But the fact is, i've only made you listen to everything i say AFTER you've lost my trust through what YOU did. If i cant trust you, the only other thing i can to is to keep a lookout and control over you, isnt it? what other ways would you suggest other than a break up? i tried to trust you more time again and again, but every time you simply disappoint me with some stupid lie that we go back to square one.
regarding your question on how much you meant to me and how easily i've gotten over this, the fact that i am actually spending time to type this now should mean something. you know what kind of person i am, i do not have to show what i feel on my face 24/7. I should not have to paste a sticker on my forehead that says "i care about you" in order for you to know that i care. Maybe this is one failure of me as a your boyfriend, and it simply shows that there is no understanding and trust between us. i did care for you and i did love you, maybe you didnt even know or notice it because of all the nonsense you've done.
ultimately, i am glad that you have matured through this relationship, and that you've learnt something. i know that sometimes i do have pretty much of a temper and i thank you for your tolerance and understanding, as well as all the time you've spent by my side. I do compliment you for all the things you've done for me, all the times you came back to buy me lunch and visit me, it is all these memories and warm little things that you've done that made us last for 13 months. Thank you for doing all these for me, and they'll always be special. This was never how i wanted it to end but i guess the situation left me with no choice. I have never regretted about us getting together, but you were right about this being probably the best option for both of us. i hoped that as a whole, you were happy spending your last 13 months with me, a year and one month, which isnt a short time at all. yes it is true now that we both have brand new lives and a new living style, and yes perhaps it is true that you do deserve someone better, who would not be so capable and give in to you more and let you have your way in doing whatever you want and pretend to not see through your lies. Whatever it is, i am glad that you have got your friends, however as a personal advice from me, be strong enough to stand on your own, the friends you have cannot be depended on for life, you know it yourself after what we've discussed about them. i wish you now all the best in the future, remember to study and ace your exams, and take care of yourself.
Love,
Luwei
i did not change as a person, i am still me, be it in 2007 2008 2005 2006... what changed was merely my perception of you. along with this change of perception came the change of feelings towards you. and what caused this perception to change were things that you did. You know very well that i hate people to lie to me, you know very well that i dont like people to intentionally keep things from me, and you know very well that what i hate most is the person closest to me to do those things. when you make a mistake, it does not mean that you will be forgiven simply because you are trying your best to make up for it. sometimes your best is just not enough, and no dont get me wrong, it is not that i do not want to forgive you, but rather simply put, sometimes scars of the past remains in my heart and what you did remains there. i tried to forgive, but it is hard to forget. How many chances have i given you to prove yourself worthy? How many chances have i given you to make up for your mistakes? HOW many times have you screwed up those chances by making another mistake of the same kind?
Yes my expectations can be high at times, but what wrong has these high expectation done to you? You know it yourself that you are a better person now than who you were before. Would it be possible without me? yeah maybe... 20 years later? i have always been there for you. But what i wanted was for you to be able to stand on your own without being dependent on anybody, not even me. I wanted you to be strong. But I was there for you when you needed me, when your parents quarreled, when you wanted to walk out of the house, you knew that i was always there for you. but what stopped you from being able to come up to me was simply the self inferiority and the guilt that you have created for yourself from the mistakes you've made.
you were never the causes of my problems and i have almost never asked to you to solve my problems for me. what i wanted from you was simply for you to fix yourself up. i told you before what your friends thought of you, how you carried yourself to others, how you hold up to your promises and words, about your own responsibility. If you have yet to realise, ever since the first time i've gotten angry with you and scolded you, it were always about these issues. You did not cause me any of my problems, but i made you my problem because i love you. It would be absolutely unnecessary for me to get pissed off if i didnt give a shit about you, wouldnt it? You asked me to think about how i have been treating you, how about you answer it yourself from the bottom of your heart whether i have been treating you well, or not. whether all the things i've done, all the times i've scolded you, were for your own good? or was it just to hurt you and make you upset for no reason? If you knew what you are doing and you have had my trust from the beginning, you never had to obey me. You do realise that you never had to obey me when we first started? you think i started making you to obey me because i've changed. But the fact is, i've only made you listen to everything i say AFTER you've lost my trust through what YOU did. If i cant trust you, the only other thing i can to is to keep a lookout and control over you, isnt it? what other ways would you suggest other than a break up? i tried to trust you more time again and again, but every time you simply disappoint me with some stupid lie that we go back to square one.
regarding your question on how much you meant to me and how easily i've gotten over this, the fact that i am actually spending time to type this now should mean something. you know what kind of person i am, i do not have to show what i feel on my face 24/7. I should not have to paste a sticker on my forehead that says "i care about you" in order for you to know that i care. Maybe this is one failure of me as a your boyfriend, and it simply shows that there is no understanding and trust between us. i did care for you and i did love you, maybe you didnt even know or notice it because of all the nonsense you've done.
ultimately, i am glad that you have matured through this relationship, and that you've learnt something. i know that sometimes i do have pretty much of a temper and i thank you for your tolerance and understanding, as well as all the time you've spent by my side. I do compliment you for all the things you've done for me, all the times you came back to buy me lunch and visit me, it is all these memories and warm little things that you've done that made us last for 13 months. Thank you for doing all these for me, and they'll always be special. This was never how i wanted it to end but i guess the situation left me with no choice. I have never regretted about us getting together, but you were right about this being probably the best option for both of us. i hoped that as a whole, you were happy spending your last 13 months with me, a year and one month, which isnt a short time at all. yes it is true now that we both have brand new lives and a new living style, and yes perhaps it is true that you do deserve someone better, who would not be so capable and give in to you more and let you have your way in doing whatever you want and pretend to not see through your lies. Whatever it is, i am glad that you have got your friends, however as a personal advice from me, be strong enough to stand on your own, the friends you have cannot be depended on for life, you know it yourself after what we've discussed about them. i wish you now all the best in the future, remember to study and ace your exams, and take care of yourself.
Love,
Luwei
posted by Luwei | 3:20:00 PM
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